today was good. yesterday was snowing, and so cold i couldn't leave my house and today was so hot i couldn't even cool off with the window open. weird. i bought some spray paint to fix the casing of my new dear pet laptop. found a mean cat sticker to cover the paint and listened to my jukebox of mp3s in the sun. packed up my old one to send to my little brother simultaneous with his sending me an email hinting that he would love it. he doesn't know i got a new one and i haven't talked to him in months, but good thing it's his birthday soon. packed my bag for tokyo/thailand. watched an old movie on the birdman of alcatraz. enjoyed.
i was in this horse riding group, which is now being discussed on my tv, in my youth
watched a documentary of jon benet ramsey which got me a little creeped out about boulder, as it happened right behind me. boulder has a rather queer infatuation with murder mysteries. i know of several stray lasses who found themselves in doom filled circumstances in the canyons and hills around here. it's like hollywood with the priveleged stares of disdain flying around all over the place...but really, it does seem like the dark side of boulder has left. it's a bunch of smiley, rich, white normal people now, none of them spout poetry and play drums (scary!), and all of them have cars..... except the other (boy) on the bus whom i flaunted my new iPod at flirtily. (if i ain't got nothing else at least i have my music).

apparently the rumor is still flying around that i initiated the drug bust on ko chang in thailand in october of last year. i am flattered that people think i have that much influence, and astounded at how stupid the insinuation is, seeing as how i am quite a vocal proponent of marijuana (and it's legalization), as well as having practically lived at said venue (why would i make my favorite hangout a target?)...heh heh... i suppose it doesn't occur to anyone that if a place sells drugs openly on land which the fanatically anti-drugs prime minister has taken a great interest in possessing and controlling that they should be prepared to get their arses busted... i am just an easy scapegoat as they do not want to lose face. ah well. who really cares what people think- the thais that know me know better now and that's all that counts to me.

off to thailand via tokyo soon. gotta get my fix.
:5/03 to 5/31!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
an interruption by:

well... it's safe to say i completely slacked this month... these dates aren't quite right. really i just got hopelessly bored with my journal. i know this is a slightly wimpy update, but it's all you get. i had fun on my little sanity trip whether you know about it or not. :) ---



left my camera in a taxi in ikebukuro when i went to fetch a drunken 'x' to the room...but he did manage to snap great pictures, including these that i stole.

[though my server is being mean to me so you may not see all the pictures right away]
in the midst of blubbering stagnation i hopped a plane to ASIA (5/6 or thereabouts). not quite yet unwound i dropped into tokyo with a wild tickle in my spine & eyes popping out from lack of sleep (+ an overdose of bad movies + very uncomfortable plane seats). 'x'... looks the same as usual. we braved the narita express, which i hadn't recalled being the two hour ride it very much was, from the airport... not full of suited scowling salarymen this time but instead of chronic smokers with chronic coughs pointed loudly in our direction. the miniature organized suburban scenery (occasionally dotted with sprawls of flooded rice paddies and people in pointed rice hats) stopped being interesting about halfway there, and 'x' yawned fuzzily behind his 4-xanax binge doze. we arrived in ikebukuro, which (yay!) felt homey and almost amsterdam-magical with its cobbled streets, alphabet block sex shops, dopey grinned students, dark foreign weirdos from somewhere deep in africa (lurking), shiny pastel signs, happy traffic... the bikes weren't locked up and those that weren't parked were ridden by disheveled office workers or carelessly hip quiet kids... sigh... i love it there. hotel new star was great. we sealed ourselves up in a tiny elevator sardine can and patted the beer machine on the way to our meticulously neat and happily tiny room. i played with the toilet for a bit (i decided i prefer "stream" to "bidet"). turned on japanimation on the tv. wiggled on the small bed and buried my hands under the thick comforter. the shower in the deep tall tub felt a little too short, and i bumped my elbows on the plastic wall. hopped out to get dressed up and hit tokyo. it was splendid, tomodachi.

the subway sang happily and twinkled with illegible signs, and 'x' marvelled at the cartoonish plump schoolgirls in uniform. we tiptoed through a darkened harajuku to the aoyama district, where at the spiral cafe (and art gallery) taka(!!!) looked serene and refined behind his bar. he was really surprised to see me (or as much as he gets). (& he looked beautiful again in his black tie getup). 'x' and i giggled at him idiotically (rather slap happy in fact)...while we sipped japanese beer- i got something light i always forget the name of, he got a beautiful pyramid glass turned upside down of sweet porter ...which we also forgot the name of unfortunately. had to escape a bit down the aoyama alleys to look for las chicas (foreigner cafe). but failing to be let in by a french bully we slumped to scarf down japanese-ised mexican food instead (not recommended)... tried to teach sign language to the japanese waiter in an effort to communicate. 'x' was by that time drunk from the xanax, alcohol, and jet lag. we staggered back to collect taka from his bar and hailed a taxi to roppongi.

roppongi is... some would say cheesy. it is filled of chains and tourists. we went into an average dark upstairs bar (um, that would be gas panic, which we'd looked forward to for a while darnit) playing hip hop to a group of rather startlingly whorish japanese girls clinging to white boys with gel in their hair. argh. stayed only for a short time, with my trying to dodge gazes of hopeful japanese boys in wifebeaters, and trying to scoot closer to taka balancing next to me on the metal bars that were posing as a bench. sigh. 'x' desperately paid for 3 more drinks and we gulped them down and left. wandered worriedly down the street seeking a place that didn't suck, when taka pulled us up some stairs to a small dark bar filled with... the same roppongi people... but with friendly gay bartenders and good beer. we squeezed through the dancing girls to the bar and drank, smiling at each other in the din, musing at the surprisingly uninhibited inebriation of the surrounding mini-skirted gals. finally 'x' hopped up, eyes twirling, said he had to go RIGHT NOW, and dragged taka and i regretfully out the doors with the remainder of our beers sloshing. we hailed a taxi (for a measly $60)- that is, after we retrieved puppydog 'x' who was frolicking with his camera near the fake eiffel tower- and drove speedily through the streets to ikebukuro (cire had to vomit and i had to pee). hallucinating in fact by the extraordinary level at which i had to pee, i jumped out while the car was still moving, threw some yen at taka, grabbed cire's hand and ran to the hotel room. in the process leaving my precious digital camera on the seat, never to be seen again. :( taka followed confusedly. i left 'x' in our room wretching and dreaming on the dark bed and snaked back downstairs to taka.

taka and i love each other. sort of. we have a good time in each other's company, when no one else is there. i just like to flutter at him, push his hair out of his eyes, probably moon stupidly over him while we talk about everything as best we can despite our differences in language. los cabos is cozy in the basement with the cute caballero bartenders, a big screen playing old movies, and tall chairs on which to scoot closer....we talked (as we do) til early morning.

.....and the next day checked out at a very unfair 10 am and yamonote-lined it to harajuku in the sun- a parade of fashion that should shame every american, and which made me feel insecure and normal. girls with parasols, miniskirts, legwarmers, fuck-me pumps (all together). boys with animal print, leather, and spiky hair. what a cute place it is. it even has it's own little harder edge... not to mention great shops with japanese kitsch such as astro boy toys and the ubiquitous hello kitty. yummy eye candy at every turn.

to shibuya...boring this time, felt like san francisco. a typical shopping district that has moved on. but i did get to take a picture of the statue of the dog who waited patiently on the streetcorner for its owner until he died.

....and suddenly, the narita express again. past the lights and the strange awkward quietness and peace of japan.



bangkok this time was dangerous (death threats from certain deluded past acquaintances), hot, sticky, lonely and fuzzyheaded from jet lag. 'x' and i parted in a cab after a barely remembered trip from the airport to sukhumwit. i stayed at the residence rajtaevee, which i have seen before and has great rooms- except for the one they put me in. but it made up for itself with a spa downstairs and at least one cable channel and free wine and fruit. ahhhhh. scattered relaxation. shivering in the bathtub. staring at the wall of the building next to me. i groaned myself to sleep on the hard bed with thai news blaring in the background.

pantip plaza in the smog, traffic, heat, noise. it's beautiful. i lose myself amongst the earnest thai faces and feel one with the smoky stall-littered sidewalk dwellers. i get stuck at the pirated movies counter- several thai boys wanting to touch my hair, practice english, talk about sex... they were a cute diversion though sort of annoying. i was happy to learn i can still speak basic thai. (mai ow boom boom, kha). i bought kill bill 2, the last samurai, and some porn (for ot :) ) for about $15.

back to a very private lunch in a serene dining room filled with buddhist relics and flowing water. and a cute shy waiter boy who told me with wide-eyed awe that new york is "cool". my lunch was exquisite- tom yam, fish, vegetables, rice, wine....fruit....sleepy....but not too sleepy for my spa appointment! i padded downstairs in my slippers and slipped behind the smoky glass doors. two thai women in impeccable robes gave me a pile of fresh pajamas and some towels. led me to the cool bathroom of blue tiles and stone. left me with fruit and tea to play musical chairs from the warm jacuzzi to the sunny fog of the steamroom with it's glass tiles to the crackling cedar sauna. followed by the most blissful 2 1/2 hour massage (in the dark) i have ever had in my life. (i will surely have to marry a masseuse someday).



next morning early i dragged my bags to the sleazy, predominantly arab grace hotel to meet cire. we hailed a taxi to the sexpat capitol of pattaya and relaxed on the 2 1/2 hour highway trip out of the gray city to the green suburbs..

the loma hotel is gorgeous. jammed with lush, tropical flora with singing birds, frogs, and insects and complemented by a luxurious blue pool (with a bar), and excellent room service. i felt in utopia despite weakness and jet lag (and a little guilt for not inviting ot). i napped for a bit in my cool room, dreaming of the fashion tv in the background, until 'x' rang me up from his room to go out on the town. he was still sick... perhaps a long hangover from tokyo, perhaps something legitimate, but not too sick to take me speeding on a motorbike down the umbrella- and palm tree-lined beach road 1 to walking street. we downed daiquiris at the mexican place and headed straight through the throngs of ladyboys and urchin flower-sellers to the go gos.

go go 1 (name forgotten). full of american navy boys, at which point i realized they were docked in town. 'x' and i pouted at the whitebread eagerness & mused at the fact that our government apparently both approves of and foots the bill for the sexual enslavement of thai girls. a couple of the navy brats were very butch girls, sleeves rolled up to expose massive biceps. (ewwww.) i dodged their eyes on a quick trip to the bathroom after having downed too many singhas too quickly. i focused instead on the crowd of half dressed brown skinned girls fighting for mirror space at which to touch up their makeup. not much to see- typical pattaya girls (out of all girls in the trade these are the harder edged) with canine faces, hot pants, and too much makeup.

the next bar was more interesting. it had more of a family appeal. there were several thai families there in fact (???) there was a stage with moulin-rouge-esque shows- choreographed dancing with flourescent paint and costumes. one blonde(?) girl stole the show with her exotic slanted eyes and catty untouchable air. she rubbed cubes of ice between her legs and then fed them to stubbled audience members.

it was cire's birthday (which i had mostly forgotten), and we headed to his "girlfriend" j's bar. i was distracted by the show- a small girl with huge, rounded, perfect breasts (even i was impressed) slicked with some sort of shiny latex, slithering around in a mess of soapy bubbles with two or three other girls, much to the delight of the navy audience. apparently (according to the sexy mamasan, a friend of cire's) j had a surprise planned for him for his birthday. minutes later j bounded out and (after a slight hesitation) threw herself at cire. she told him to stay put while she went to get his surprise together. 'x' in turn sort of flipped out. with irrational fears of being pulled up on stage, stripped, and humiliated, he grabbed my arm and pulled me running out of the bar, never to return.

perhaps it was karma that followed, but 'x' became pretty ill, and i was fighting it off too. oh well, an excuse to lay by the pool in the sun and sip fruit shakes. did that quite a bit. visited the little mall. perused stalls of thai silks and jewelry and ate somtam and fish for breakfast. 'x' was grouchy because he was sick, so more fashion tv for me until our seafood dinner on the waterfront that i made 'x' sneak down walking street to eat (surrounded by overattentive thai kids).

more go go's later.... they start to blend in with each other after awhile. once pleasantly drunk (it is vacation), 'x' pretended to be interested in a room for the night at the penthouse hotel so he could give me the tour. this must be the coolest hotel in the world- a hole in the wall on one of the go go sois, it has cameras in each room filming and displaying the dancing girls downstairs, has hot tubs, love swings, stages with poles, big 4-poster beds with teddy bears and handcuffs on the posts, lots of mirrors, dvd players, stereos, tvs, refrigerators, balconies, and a stockpile of snacks and liquor in each room. the hallways are decorated with thai kitsch (mostly buddhist, ironically). it even had a waterfall downstairs. RECOMMENDED! i was so jealous of the people paying $2500 baht to stay there.

unable to leave without sampling one 'x' irritably dragged me protesting into a boy show in the appropriately named boyz town. hmmm. i might as well get used to the fact that the boy shows are gay :(. there were a few geriatric patrons squinting with their hearing aids at slim young men in tight pants and no shirts (you wanna sh-uck me sh-onny? khao jai?). some normal rejects, and a couple of lesbians roamed for good measure. we drank amiably in front of the shows- a lovely ladyboy Diva surrounded herself with boy-slaves, a cowboys and indians shoot out occured (half naked), a jungle show where the boys embarrassed us all by mimicking monkeys who screeched and picked bugs out of our hair... and the grand finale- synchronized swimming (naked) in the wall-sized aquarium. we raised a couple of eyebrows on the way out, nodded a last fond goodbye to the land of fantasy spread out in lights, and sped home on the wobbling motorbike for one last night of lush loma sleep.


peaceful, clean tok's hut on the hill. you have to climb up to get to it. surrounded by shrubbery and pacing dogs, it is quiet at night and has a slow breeze. i relax. good breakfast. fun first night with nerdy thai musician guy tossing baht for free drinks at naga's- though disappointed otherwise in the conversation material. twiddle my thumbs under the velvet lined stars with the tide lapping nearly at my feet. watch a limber thai boy throw firesticks. same music as always, sigh....sleep late, flounder. rain. no electricity. awkward darkness with a crowd of stylin' euro kids. screened bootleg movies. mosquitos. rude thais. called ot to come. he verbally shrugged. second night... gave up and went to sleep. kept on sleeping til it was time to leave. left in the deserted morning feeling like ko samet has some bad karma with me or something and having not enjoyed my candles and float. lost 2000 baht on the way to the boat. felt grumpy.



again disgusted by ko samet (see nov. 2003), i took the ferry (shiver, xanax time) to the rattletrap taxi full of curious thai people to the bus to bangkok. thoroughly unsure whether or not i wanted to see ot, i floundered in my cool hotel (woraburi on suk soi 4) and drank half my minibar in twenty minutes. took a cold shower. finally decided i would go to khao san rd. and grabbed a taxi. i secretly hoped i would run (preferably smack-dab) into mido (you don't know him but i want him) and would avoid sweet ot. walked hesitantly down khao san, which has been recently renovated into a true walking street with stone cobbles, and has a few more annoying yuppified bars, but remains otherwise unchanged. immediately saw mr. kool in his too-short cutoffs. "check it out!" -ugh. i allowed him to give me a neck and back massage on the street (it's free). he begged to take me back to his room and "open my emotions" but i politely declined. ran the rest of the way through the street and past the banglamphu market to a quiet 7-11 to call otto.


ot showed up sweating and breathing hard (he had run) and looking outdated but cheerful. i wanted to fix him up a bit (in some ways he is clueless) but i like him. we swatted shyly at each other over yang and sangsom. he finally grabbed my hand and dragged me to adhere the 13th, my favorite blues room in banglamphu. i nodded to the crowd, which i recognized, and fended off roses and kisses and candy as i watched georgia flip her hair and sing low. got a bit tipsy. finally i tiptoed with ot past the dark squeaky gate and the chirping cages to our old (his current) place. it is now a very buddhist room with a new vcd player and speakers. he played me some videos. i was suspicious of his ability to take care of himself. he had stocked the refrigerator with sweets and propped up old pictures of us to make me feel special, and was in general trying hard to impress me. so. well. nevertheless we had rather stiff (terrified) sex under the fan. smoked. had some cold showers. sigh....i shrugged and fell asleep at 2 am... fuzzily woke at 7am and dragged a blinking ot with me (in a maniacal taxi) back to my own darkened air-conditioned (& cable and minibar-having) room.

sex about 80 more times, somtam and chicken, taxi to MBK for a movie ('troy'). we hold hands. we cab it back to khao san to kin khao with the tarot man. tarot man was crazy. ot thought he was brilliant because he spoke so much english, i had to break his heart by telling him the guy made no sense at all. but he is ot's current best friend, and he likes edgar allen poe and ...his kids. bored. and then mido. passed on the street with his sidekick, da. a day or so late. both muscled and gorgeous and walking to mido's new car to leave town. sigh. some things you are just meant to lose. i eye him for longer than is comfortable (on purpose), he smiled knowingly at me, and i sighed some more.... more lounging in room. thinking about mido, but enjoying my day with ot too....slurped cuey tio. watched bad movies.

ot and i would be nothing without our gluttonous pleasures. most of what i remember is food (and the rest is sex!)... we ate at our favorite tom yam stall in banglamphu. at some point we went to an upstairs restaurant between the chao praya river and thammasat university. can't remember the name but any thai kid probably knows it. really excellent thai food (crispy fish and salad) and cold singha. later to sanam lung night market, where by coincidence we ran into ot's (very rich) cousins neng and dao. and a painted, long nailed japanese girl who entranced everyone at the table. once we'd dropped her off at work we all drove aimlessly, finally ending up in the chatuchak district, where we ate yum naam and roasted nuts as we watched a boy band playing. neng informed me i was probably in big trouble by being in thailand, according to some. i joked around with dao. ot made puppydog eyes at me all night.... blurrrrr.... talked a bit when we hit the bed...

and suddenly(!) my alarm was ringing and i cuddled closer to ot for another 15 minutes , kissed him at 3am... and was gone.

(back to) BOULDER

denver is brown boredom (after lush delicious asia), though boulder is nice (if you don't pay any attention to the people). personally i would rather not be in either right now. i came back in time just to give my job 2 weeks' notice. i am sure they loved that. but excellent 'x' has helped me to acquire a job at x in new york!, with him. not that i wasn't qualified. they agreed to match my current salary and i start on the 7th. phew! back to NY.

spent the next days saying goodbye to friends. first chris (with an hour long drink in denver's warehouse district), then my old friend x, FINE! i had to censor this part for that friend...but anyhoo, jane was next. we drink a lot and smoke cigarettes. she shows off her tattoos and wears rockabilly girl clothes. we twittered stupidly in the booth together with a jukebox morcheeba soundtrack. got bored of that. i coincidentally opened my westword magazine to find that the suicide girls' burlesque show i have been wanting to see was playing, that night, at the hard rock cafe. (oh, this was asking for it! jane and i would live up to our reputation with each other!) we stumbled into a cab with a friendly mexican driver to the bar. i threw some money at the blurry guards at the door and jane sloshed back from the bar. we cleared a space on the floor to watch the show. a black garage punk band was good, and an "indie" group of idiots from oregon made some horrid noise until they got kicked off the stage. jane found us a spot on top of the booth 3 chubby punk-like guys were seated in. i immediately poured my entire beer on the one closest to me. they frowned at us the rest of the night. jane was drunk and flicked her cigarettes on everyone else. finally, dancing precariously on the ledge of the booth, we squinted at the pin up girls who slinked across the stage- or the floor as the case may be (which made it seem so much like a dogfight i felt weird). jane and i leaned on each other out the door and hugged each other before her bouncy boyfriend led her off to his waiting car, and that's the last i saw of her. i made my last drunken trip on the (long, dark) bus back to boulder in the quiet night, and for once didn't have to pee the whole time....

goodbye to my much loved pals.


other than that, my old home boulder is sending me away again, it's finished showing me whatever i was supposed to be shown here. i jokingly say to my friends that i have a new life every six months but in fact it's true. i wander through the creek festival in the sun, pushing yuppie moms pushing strollers and wearing nonprofit t-shirts. kids with big happy dogs. nerdy activists who thrust pamphlets filled with pictures of animal slaughters (pro vegan) in my face. teens with stubborn chins, dyed hair, and too much eye makeup. smiling, wholesome guys with bikes and short little brother hair.... i bask in the last few days of abundant nature available to me and spend the evenings playing a french lounge cd and burning nag champa in front of my computer. i eat all my favorite boulder food while i pack.

& off to NYC...


2003-2004 elocin

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