-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***NOTE:
for various reasons, not least of which is my personal security, i have decided
to postpone further writing on my journal until such time as i get back on the
road. i am in the process of starting another writing site however, which won't
be so much day to day mundanity but rather reflections, insights, and stories
which i'd like to share, many of them travel related. thank you to all of you
who have read thus far, and wish me luck!- i don't think that once i start making
money again it will take me too long to pick up where i left off, and like i have
continually said, my wanderlust is never satiated and thus i will never settle.
next stop, south america. feel free to email
me until such time as i reappear. & luckiest of good luck to you all!
- elocin | | |
:11/12-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 bangkok | bangkok
again. i don't want to be here but at least it isn't ko chang. i am still really
sick and have spent the entire day in bed so far. musing over my options- i can't
go home yet, nowhere to go and no jobs until after new year (this is confirmed
by a friend of mine who went home 2 1/2 months ago and still hasn't found work).
my mother waited until i was down and wrote me an unfriendly, accusatory letter,
so as usual my family is out, not that i had counted on that anyway. my bank balance
is shockingly low.... i do have two possibilities though- one is some volunteer
web work (no pay but good for my portfolio and it will take my mind off things)
that was begged of me by a lawyer friend who has read my site for the past year,
here in bangkok. the other is that i won the free TEFL course i mentioned(!) and
can go teach with them for the next two months all expenses paid. i am too sick
to do much in the way of planning today but at least i have some hope. today i
plan to relax, think little, and sleep early. i will go to talk to my lawyer friend
tomorrow to see about work. thus far no signs of my potential attackers.
my
horoscope from rob bresny today says: " Many of you feel that you're only truly
yourself if others see you as you want to be seen. But this week I suggest you
try out a different perspective. It's hinted at by Suzan-Lori Parks in her play
"Topdog/ Underdog": "Yr only yrself when no one's watching." Who are you when
you're alone, Aquarius? Turn off your awareness of what everyone thinks about
you. Listen only to the clues arising from your silent depths." -which i thought
was apt. | |
:11/11-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 trat
market
| this morning
i had a mini nervous breakdown. for one thing i am horribly sick with some sort
of flu. but also the stress of the past couple weeks finally caught up with me.
i felt very untrusting of otto and very paranoid. this was made worse by the fact
that when our bus to bangkok pulled over for a pee break, 'l' and his friends
were at the rest stop, headed the same direction. i buried my head in my book
and tried to calm down for the rest of the ride. when we finally arrived in bangkok,
otto was disappointed that i didn't invite him to stay with me, and we parted
without saying goodbye to each other. i felt rather relieved at that, as i really
would like to get on with myself. it's easier to see the sense in it now that
i have left the island. i found a room and collapsed immediately, feeling feverish
and drained.
| |
:11/10-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 ot's
boats
| this morning
i woke up insanely angry at 'l'. everywhere i went people on the beach would give
me cold stares and whisper to each other. otto felt sympathy for me and invited
me to come spend the day with him on sai khaew while he worked, and i accepted
gratefully. we talked about moving to another beach to another bungalow. we sat
in the shade on the beach and i tried to read a book, but i couldn't concentrate.
as i am very neurotic, once i am angry about something it is very hard for me
to diffuse. finally i stood up and told otto i wanted to go back to my room. i
had finally decided i have had enough of the jah bar, enough of ignorant thai
people, enough of malicious rumors spread by jealous and uninformed people, and
most of all, enough of ko chang. ot insisted on driving me back to my room. while
he took a shower i packed my stuff. he came out and i told him goodbye. he said
nothing, just looked shocked and angry, and i shrugged and left, leaving him the
key to my room to use since it has been paid up for another week or so. as i was
waiting for the taxi to the ferry, one thai man who worked at my bungalows came
running up screaming "bai lao, bai lao, tell 'l'!" apparently 'l' had told him
to watch me and see if i'd leave. i realized then that they really intended to
get some kind of revenge on me- either to physically hurt me or to set me up in
some way, probably with drugs. i caught the taxi shaking the entire way to the
pier.
of course as soon as i reached the pier, otto showed up. he wanted
to come with me. i explained to him that i couldn't (wouldn't) support him and
now that he had his new business i thought he should stay. also i didn't want
him to blame me in the future for his coming to bangkok, as he hates the city
and doesn't have much in the way of opportunity there. also, to be honest, i just
wanted to put him behind along with ko chang, as he has impeded my progress enough
this past year.... 'x' wrote me and
said "i was really amazed that some low class thai boy managed to steal your trip
from you"... which is true in retrospect. but it's also a bit more complicated
than that. there are real feelings involved on both sides that i haven't been
able to just write off. in my life experience i have never met anyone who didn't
have a dark side and i have learned that you have to accept people for who they
are. how much you accept is up to you. admittedly though i am a perennial backslider,
and i have explained my weakness already... i am human, live and learn. at this
point i realized i don't want to accept more of otto's manipulation. and as far
as my trip is concerned, i am confident that this wasn't my only chance, it's
not so hard for me to get back on the road, it just takes time. i don't regret
anything and when it comes down to it i have had a great time. if i can keep otto
as my friend i will be quite satisfied with the way things have turned out.
anyway ot assured me he was coming of his own volition, he would stay with his
brother and not leech off me, and i could have my space and just see him when
i was ready. so not having to commit to anything, i gave in. we took the ferry
to trat, where we stayed the night in a nice room in the trat hotel. it was a
really nice probably last night together- i felt relieved, and finally, safe.
otto was very kind to me. we ate at the market and slept well.
|
|
:11/9-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 nature
restaurant | i had finally
went to bed at 6am this morning, and at 8am there was a knock on my door. otto
opened it to see the guys from the jah bar standing on my porch, livid. they started
accusing me loudly of writing on my website that there was to be a huge drug and
sex party at their bar on the 6th, and sending it to the police to get them busted.
obviously those of you who read this site know that i did no such thing, but unfortunately
the circumstances look really suspicious. the police told them they got an HTML
email. i am the only web developer that they know. otto and i have had problems
and it would seem that i'd want to take revenge on him. and otto and i didn't
go to the party. argh. i explained to them that they could read every line of
my site if they so desired and they would find nothing bad along those lines.
then i went back to sleep.
i woke up late in the day, starving. otto and
i head to the nature bar to eat tom yam. we sat in the corner and just
started to eat when 'l' from the jah bar came running in. he was furious. apparently
he had gone to the internet cafe and read my entire website. he found 3 sentences
about him. admittedly, they were pretty bad. i mentioned for instance, in trying
to explain why it is hard to be the girlfriend of a bar boy, that he constantly
cheated on his girlfriend. while this is true, and i don't regret writing about
it, i do realize i was totally in the wrong to use his real name. i apologized
profusely and told him i would change it for him immediately. but that wasn't
enough. he started telling the entire restaurant, which was packed with my friends,
that i had been the reason that his business is now closed and 6 thai people are
out of work. exasperated, i tried to defend myself, with no help at all from otto.
otto gave me a strange look and said "you don't realize how much trouble you are
in, do you?" all the sudden i got really scared. 'l' came over and looked me in
the eyes and promised with an evil glint in his eye that he would kill me tonight.
knowing thai people, i didn't doubt that for an instant. more and more of his
friends showed up and ot told me to stay where i was, because if i left the bar
they would attack me. they kept me for 4 hours in the corner of the restaurant,
yelling at me, threatening me, and humiliating me in front of everyone i knew.
i didn't know what to do- they had every right to be mad at me for using his real
name (i am hitting myself for not being consistent with name changing on my site),
but they blew it really far out of proportion and blamed me for something i simply
did not do. i
found out two girls had started this rumor, one of whom was named sarah and had
read my site. i have seen her around ko chang, but never talked to her, and now
i realize that might be because she is one of those weirdos that has some kind
of grudge about me because of my writing. if she is reading this now i hope she
realizes that she almost got someone innocent killed over her stupid rumors. otherwise,
i realized how easily incensed thai men are, even with little basis, and how little
it takes to escalate to an unmanageable degree.
eventually otto came around,
and helped calm 'l' down. by the end of the night the death threats had reverted
to name calling only. exhausted, embarrassed, and disgusted, i tramped back to
my room to sleep.
|
|
:11/8-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 ot
making a krathong
 offerings
to buddha | today is loy
krathong. it is a buddhist holiday in celebration of nature, and people make
krathongs, which are little boats made of bamboo leaves, flowers, candles,
and incense. they also make paper lanterns of various colors. otto and i had a
productive day. we went to sai khaew to print up fliers and signs for his
boat trip business, which he has decided to take up again. i am glad he came to
his senses, as he would never have been paid (or been happy) at the jah bar and
he can potentially make a lot of money with this business. after we'd gotten him
set up we went to the laarb shop. we ate somtam and laarb and played with
the pet iguana. i talked to a poor german lad who was going around the world on
$600 (!), and otto made a beautiful krathong out of leftover bamboo leaves scattered
around the shop. we headed to the temple after that, where there was a gorgeous
festival. it was pretty huge for ko chang, completely packed with people. there
were lots of cute little games to play (one of them was a ring set up, with a
rat in a box in the middle. along the perimeter of the ring were different pipes
with numbers pasted over them. for 5 baht you would buy a tag with a number from
the ringmaster. when everyone had bought their numbers, the box was opened and
the rat set free. whichever numbered pipe he escaped to, the holder of that number
would win the jackpot.) there was a disco and lots of food stalls. the temple
was all lit up, and otto took me to give incense and lotus flowers to the golden
buddha, and afterwards we sat before a line of chanting monks while people around
us prayed for luck.
afterwards we headed to the treehouse, where people
were letting their kratongs and lanterns off into the water and sky. it is really
beautiful, especially with the full moon as the backdrop. later we went back to
my bungalow and sent our own kratong off in the water. we put some of our hair
and fingernails in the boat and made wishes as it floated out to sea.
there
was a party at the nature bar on the beach so we stopped by later on. we hadn't
intended to drink much but everyone there got really smashed. the undercover police
paid a visit to thoroughly annoy and search people (finding nothing), and there
were a few stupid fights at the bar amongst the very stressed out thai people.
the atmosphere, which had started out lovely, turned quickly sour. it was not
helped by the various girls who kept coming up to me telling me that i was stupid
to be with otto after what he had done to me. i rolled my eyes and explained to
the girls that their thai boyfriends were doing the same thing behind their backs.
(not my business but if i can prevent other girls from being in the same situation
as i was in last week i damn well will). nevertheless i felt rather cold towards
ot, and i left without him to hang out with lovely faye in my room, until both
of our drunk boyfriends came by and stopped the party for good tonight.
|
|
:11/7-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 view
of ko chang from pier | the
whole island was abuzz today over the incident at the jah bar last night. it was
on the morning and evening news and it headlined the thai newspapers. quite silly
actually. prime minister taksin, as i have mentioned before, intends to clean
up ko chang and make it an upscale resort island, like phuket. he is really fanatically
against drugs. it was inevitable that he would send someone to check out the biggest
bar on ko chang during the crackdown, and i had just discussed with otto last
week how stupid everyone was to think they would be immune and to smoke weed so
openly, as if it were amsterdam. however the authorities made such a big production,
thinking they would uncover a den of sin along the lines of the full moon parties
on ko phangnan, and they more or less humiliated themselves by finding nothing
of the sort. ko chang is very relaxed, and has little if any serious drug problems.
a bit of weed, yes, but that is seemingly unimportant to the authorities anyway.
unfortunately though, the police took every bit of money out of the bar, and the
owner had to put up bail for the one bartender who was made an example of, and
as a result the business is ruined and will have to close. i feel bad for them
but i suppose it is their own fault.
i made a visa run to cambodia today,
relatively painless, with ot accompanying me. when we returned, exhausted, in
the evening, we stopped by the jail to see our friend, 's'. he's a really good
guy, he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. we brought him snacks and
cigarettes and left him looking desolate behind bars.
|
|
:11/6-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 benevolent
buddha bestowing luck
| this
morning otto decided on his own to kick katie out and quit the jah bar. i don't
know if he did this for me or for himself, but i am not sure if that is what i
want or not. i found him saying a last goodbye to katie (who looked heartbroken)
on the beach, and he left her to come back with me. i am happy to have him back
with me, but i also know he might be the biggest loser i have ever dated, and
i will never quite trust him again. i decided to let things fall into place as
they will, i am not here for much longer, and i might as well enjoy him while
i am here.
in thailand if a snake crosses your path it is considered good
luck. today two snakes crossed my path- one a large, lovely green python
who reared back and spit when i passed. the luck they brought me made itself obvious
not too much later on in the day.
tonight the jah bar had a big party.
i was exhausted from the stress of the last week and otto didn't want to be around
his ex-coworkers, who were fairly angry at him for leaving abruptly. we had one
or two drinks at the nature bar and headed to bed early. the jah bar was screaming
behind us as usual, making it hard to sleep. all of the sudden the noise cut off.
we went to the porch and looked up the hill to see flashing lights. otto said
it must be the police. suddenly our friend jay came running down the hill, looking
very distraught. he said that a whole swat team had broken into the bar and arrested
everyone there. he had managed to run away. later on we found out that the police
hauled off 75 people in pickup trucks to the police station on the other side
of the island. they tested each person's urine for drugs, and even tested blood
on the long haired thai guys. they had searched the entire place, but they found
nothing but two small bags of weed behind the bar. the majority of people tested
negative for drugs (i believe they were testing for amphetimines, not THC) and
were let go with no repercussions. but one of otto's ex-coworkers was detained
for the weed and will be made an example of. we felt extraordinarily lucky
that we hadn't gone up there tonight, though we really wouldn't have had to worry
as we have no drugs in our system.
|
|
:11/5-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 laarb
shop guy with his iguana
| i
packed all my stuff, reluctantly admitting to myself it is time to leave no matter
how much i like the place. i sat on my porch one last time, and little tom came
by. i told him i'd probably go to ko lanta and wished him luck. of course
the first thing he did was run up and tell otto. i was just leaving as otto ran
up to my porch, breathless. he begged, pleaded, cried, and swore that he did not
want things to be the way they were, but it had all happened so quickly in a fit
of anger and resentment at me that he didn't know how to extricate himself from
what he had done. he wanted to spend one last day with me, which sort of offended
me but i gave in. thus he left katie alone at jah bar, and did not return to explain
to her or his coworkers what was going on. he took me all over the island to all
our favorite places- bao's new bar in kai bae, the laarb shop, bai
lan to see drac, jae gallery in ban bao, and finally to sunset huts
where we sat and had some drinks overlooking the water. he spent the night with
me, in which i refused to have sex with him for katie's sake, and i became a writhing
mass of stupidity and confusion once more. |
|
:11/4-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 gigantic
praying mantis that's been hanging around my hut
| well
here i am and what am i waiting for- another mistake with ot? for real friends
to suddenly materialize? for a well paying job? cultural insight? what? i felt
sick and down all day. it was a beautiful day but today that wasn't enough. i
went and had chai and a cheese sandwich (the only thing i have really eaten in
2 or 3 days) at the treehouse, as far away from the jah bar and my old life as
i could get. it was nice. but i feel totally paralyzed and couldn't relax there
for longer than an hour. my friend tom called me from chiang mai- he seems
to know when i need him. he is now staying on ko lanta, and working for
a dive shop that takes him back and forth from the gorgeous ko phi phi
all day. he invited me to stay there with him. i wouldn't do that because i don't
want any semblance of a thai boyfriend right now and i like him so much that it
could easily fall into that, but ko lanta is supposed to be great, and cheap.
and it isn't ko chang right now... i could leave tomorrow. i don't think i will,
i think i will wait for my visa run in a couple of days, and then head off. i'll
give someone my bungalow for the rest of the time i have paid for it... phew.
something resembling a plan.
another thing i am crossing my fingers for
is something i read online today. the TEFL institute at ban phe (ko samet) thailand
is awarding five chances at a free TEFL course in exchange for someone working
for them, all expenses paid, at two english camps, one in korea. that sounds divine
to me- i wish i had more experience. i sent them an eager email but it bounced
back saying the mailbox was already full, so i have to try again tomorrow.
|
|
:11/3-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 | it
was a gorgeous, non-replicable sort of day. not much happened outside my normal
routine but i realized how much i love my normal routine. i awake around 9:30
or 10, have breakfast with my kittens and newspaper, check email for a 'x'
update, clean my room, read on my hammock, take an afternoon swim in which i sing
loudly to myself on my fish float and chase baby fishies and crabs around in the
water, write a bit, say hi to "friends", eat something or other, have a drink
or two, and sleep. ot stopped by in the afternoon looking forlorn. apparently
it isn't working out with katie (heh heh) and he misses me. he brought me ice
cream, was unusually friendly and chatty, and he even tried to kiss me, but i
laughed and pushed him away with a look of incredulity... though i realized guiltily
that i really want to sleep with him, hold him, be bored by him again,
just a secret little bit (stupid! stupid!) ....tonight at nature bar i ran into
my friend marcel from amsterdam, whom i met last christmas in vietnam with a group
of cute hipster finnish boys. very weird to see him. he just saved $26k and has
set off on a new trip which he expects to last 5 years. i seethed with jealousy
and made a note to start planning my own asap. one thing i realized from him though
is that it isn't too hard to get back on the road again, with a bit of concerted
effort. this "RTW" trip has been a trial run, and i do intend to throw myself
back onto the trail as soon as i can work things out financially. that cheered
me up a bit....all signs point to moving on but i just can't bring myself to leave
my home here, and financially i can't justify it. yet.
|
|
:11/2-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 the
ubiquitous gecko
| feeling
a bit heartbroken today but won't get into it here. ot didn't help the situation
by stopping by and admitting he wasn't happy and rubbing my hands softly and sensually
until i wanted to scream, give in, and rape him. i have never been so sexually
obsessed with anyone, and it occured to me that that could have been the basis
for our entire relationship all along. unfortunately it doesn't work long term
but it's hard to admit that fact.
i spent most of the day reading back
over my journal for the past year, to see if there was some sort of clue in it
as to what i should do next. i am quite happy to stay on this island at this point,
as it may be the last time i see it, especially as it is now. even despite the
presence of my ex and his new gal behind me up the hill, i feel mostly at peace
here. but it occured to me that i do maybe have other options, though money is
tight. i could go back to nepal and trek. i could go teach english in china for
a bit of forced culture shock. i could go try to find work of some sort in europe.
it all sort of comes back to the same thing though, and that is that i can make
the most money at home.
faye from nature must have felt sorry for me,
and she showed up at my bungalow to hang out tonight. she makes me so nervous-
she's beautiful and cold (and of course i have had a crush on her boyfriend joe
since the first day i set foot on ko chang). she is also 20, and i realized i
am getting old, i can't relate to a 20-year old anymore. :( we don't have
much to talk about, and i feel rather guilty and fake with her. i felt like i
disappointed her by not being girly and extroverted... with that heavy line of
thought i went out with her tonight to see my nature bar "friends". we played
a couple of drinking games in which i was mostly ignored, and it felt good to
be distracted.
| |
:11/1-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
 yard
|
today is a new day. and even though remnants of the old are constantly nagging
at me, i have decided i am a big girl. i am going to carry out my plan to stay
on ko chang, my only real home, until such time as i have another place to go.
today i made myself do things for myself.... stretched on my porch, had a morning
swim, listened to music. then i went to print up flyers for teaching english,
resolving to myself to get some work. after that i had lots of free time to sit
and think, which is bad... but overall i think everything will be ok. i didn't
drink or smoke at all today, i talked to absolutely no one, and i went to bed
at 8p.
| | |